I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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