did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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