my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
