I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
