I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
