meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
