I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
