You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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