Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Who did Billy Mays play for?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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