I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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