I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
