Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
