life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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