So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
