Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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