apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
