Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He passed out mid-signature
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
