Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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