Can i not drive my cunt home
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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