Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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