i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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