I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
