Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
