I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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