i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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