Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
