Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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