I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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