She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
