Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
