WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
