you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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