worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
