OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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