I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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