Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
