So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
