I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
did i walk over a car last night?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
