Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
