I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
