Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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