I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
