K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
