i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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