I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
