i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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