I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
