I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize