Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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