Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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