maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
