Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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