dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
