Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
