I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
