I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
