omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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