just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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