Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
