Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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