We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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