Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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