i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
