I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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